'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When did angry sex become our thing?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
