Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
