just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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