Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
