I just threw up on my dentist
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
