So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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