she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
