I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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