My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
