Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
