you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
