Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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