If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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