Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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