Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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