Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
