Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
