new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
