just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
