The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
