onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
