I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
