I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
