Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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