Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
