totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
