Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
