Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
