Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
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he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
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I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.