My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
