One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
