i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
cat food counts as protein by the way
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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