i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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