i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
this just has baby written all over it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
