I need to stop coming to work sober
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
