I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
