Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
