you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
