you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
