i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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