It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
