dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
