this just has baby written all over it
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
