Someone shit on the floor
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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