On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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