You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
