You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
A bitchslap is in order.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
