take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
