i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
