Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
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Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
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Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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