we have officially lost it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
