highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
