I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's blow job season.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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