Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
