girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
