Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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