I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
When did angry sex become our thing?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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