Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
