New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
