Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
