i already hear my dad disowning me
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
