All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
